i remember when work wasn't so important, technology wasn't so advanced, fashion wasn't so forward and money wasn't all that important - i was happy.
happy as fuck.
the peace that i had probably was about 5 years ago, or 4. i was genuinely happy for all the things that i had. i didn't want an iphone, i didn't want a laptop... just something "normal" to get through with. of course, 4 - 5 years ago, i was a teen - i had things that i wanted to get so much - but it wasn't so bad... it wasn't so bad.
few years back, he was jobless, penniless and almost a destroyed man i would say. we made the best out of whatever we had. we scrimped and saved and spent only on things that we needed. but we had so much fun, we were so in love.
i made the best out of being able to stay at his place, went against my parents for love because... i loved him.
never knew he was sucha spender, he had a simple phone, a computer that he spent a lot of time with and loved and all that crap.
and to be honest i never knew much about money - i only knew how to spend them but not so much. just needed to eat and survive through days. usually, we would eat with his family because his mum cooked every night. that - i saved so much money and i was happy being like that with him.
then he found a job... he was a hardworking man and everytime he fell, i would always tell him that he was a capable man and should never give up.
but now, everything is so superficial. every single fucking thing is about money - the car i drive, the money he earns, the money he's gonna spend on me because i don't ask my parents for money, i'm jobless, all he thinks about is earning back what he lost in the past.
NOTHING was good enough for everyone.
every fucking step i take in this house, i worry about my debts, i worry about the games in my iphone, i get hooked on lame videos on youtube, i worry about not completing my ps3 games, i worry about him not able to spend time with me, i worry about his work, i worry about how he spends his money, money money money - my parents would ask me, sometimes, if i am going to get a job.
i am so sickened by myself, my life has turned into some dipshit mother of an asshole. everything is so advanced, even myself. so contradicting but i find myself wanting to slowly go backwards, go... go... go......
i don't want this life.
as much as i enjoy driving, i don't fucking want the new car. i would rather drive that old truck, and only drive it when it's available. the waiting to use the truck was fun, it was challenging and the truck and i bonded.
as much as i enjoy spending time with my family, i don't wanna fucking keep talking about money with them.
as much as i like my new stuff that's been given to me recently, a new table, a new laptop, a made-over room, new stuff... the old one's better, so much feelings, emotions and events held place. and now... it's just an empty pink room. new stuff, new nothing innit.
why do i keep wanting to go back to things that will never happen again? why do i find myself rewinding life but to no avail, all the fucking time?
honestly,
that's all i think about most of the time. rewinding to parts when i was genuinely happy, no materialistic stuff and when i had real, true friends which i don't have now.
if i don't move on, i will be a miserable bitch like i am now, forever innit?
tell me... what can i do...
