i am officially the queen of junk food. why?
so... i don't know how long ago was this, probably a year, or something. my mum started getting really busy with some chinese workout, usually about 2 hours and she's been keeping herself really occupied with chinese medical horse shit. the rest of the family members all had no food for dinner, most of the time we would eat out. it is the same for now.
i eat a lot of junk food. but i am thinking of making healthy food like, toasted wheat bread with tuna, salad, ham sandwiches and shit.
today, i deem myself as the queen of junk food. let me tell you what food i had for the whole of 24 hours.
- breakfast: i cooked spicy chicken instant fried noodle with canned tuna.
- lunch: 3 packets of instant campbell soup.
- dinner: in a theatre, a hotdog bun with a bottle of soft drink.
fact: i like to soak things in liquid. not soaking stuff in pee or wet shit... i mean soaking my rice in soup, soaking biscuits in hot drink, soaking bread into half-boiled egg. i haven't seen anyone like me 'cept for young kids.
i am not weird, am i?
so talking about eating, there are important issues that saddens me and i wanna talk about.
when i was with clifton in the earlier years, i had this mindset that i was fat and big. i thought if i had more food stuffed into my body it's fine because it's already so big. but i was wrong. in the earlier years, i was actually slim, i never knew that, i thought i was really big. i disliked my body but i enjoyed eating so i never stopped eating.
i was like,
"if you're in love, why the fuck do you bother?"
"i like eating, i love my boyfriend, why care?"
"we eat a lot and we are super happy together".
well, i did not bother. and my body size grew much bigger. like, now. even though it's bigger now, i don't dislike my body anymore because i've accepted what i've become and if i do wanna change my body, i will do it healthily.
the thing is, i never wanted to starve myself. i never wanted to feel like i should be stick skinny. even with my thighs which grew bigger, it will never be as bad as people who grew up being really big. with my tummy, i could conceal with loose but pretty tops. some people, they never had the chance to be slim or normal-sized or chubby like me, they are always big.
do you know how sad and inferior they feel no matter how confident they look on the outside?
i never had models on posters on my walls or in my computer because i know we are all different, and we will never be like each other. i never wanted to stop eating because if i don't, i will die.
sure, there was a period of time i wanted to slim down - but that was because i realized my food intake was insane and if i don't stop eating too much, my body will stop working one fine day.
sure, there were also times i felt like i was a truck, big and bulky, i wanted to look pretty in clothes. but you know what? i still eat but i cut down on the intake. i still feel pretty when i look into the mirror. i take care of my hair now, i brush them very often. i feel pretty.
girls in this modern society, they wanna look good, be fashion-forward, dress up in clothes that are all the same, be popular, be "hot". i feel extremely sorry for them. i've seen girls trying to slim down, taking weird pills, starving themselves, teaching people how to starve themselves. i've seen girls becoming sticks after they gained popularity with friends and lots of other friends.
i am sickened.
it's not a lie i've gained a lot of weight - but what matters is that i am a bird. i am carefree, i have my own beliefs and i live my own life. and i will shed unhealthy weight by the healthy way, i am just so lazy to do it now but take my words, i will.
i just want girls to be happy with themselves. skinny girls complain that they are fat - this is just plain bollocks. but of course, this post wouldn't make any difference to the girls out there. i just wanna type it down for whoever's gonna read it.
demi lovato is a good example but she turned her life over, now a beautiful girl who is overcoming her problems (cutting, eating disorder).
people are not "fat bitches", they are just big... and there are reasons why people look the way they are.
sometimes my mouth slip and accidentally call a person fat. but i promise to myself i will not do it anymore.
